MurderHobo.club

Something clever goes here.

Category: Kink

Related to the Kink community, or kinky ideas.

  • Connecting with community

    Years ago, I reached out to my community, and over time, found a place where I felt, and felt like I belonged, and in my arrogance, I attempted to change those places in ways I thought would help. To my credit, my arrogance was oft appreciated, as much as it annoyed. I did not have even half enough of an understanding of the circumstances to have taken the path I did, just a sense of righteousness that guided me. But that sense did a lovely job of hiding how much it blinded me.

    Recently, I’ve begun reaching out again, and I’m enjoying it, appreciating how much less of an outsider I feel as I connect with people. I still come from a different set of experiences, so there will still be a flavour of dissonance in the air, but less so than I’ve feared for so long.

    There is an honesty here that soothes, an authenticity and acceptance of quirks that resonates, a background harmony that comforts.

    There is far too much dissonance, both outside and within, the conflict outside being reflected in the soul, creating disorder and discomfort. Within community, that dissonance is displaced by a harmony of common intent, resonance that soothes as mutes the background buzz.

    Fancy words, but hopefully they convey my meaning.

  • linked

    “It’s kinda like a clock, if a clock told you when you happened to be, rather than when it was.”

    “Sorry, what?” I looked at him, my brow furrowed. My lips moving slightly as I repeated the phrase.

    “You’ve been wondering about it. Among other secrets. This is probably the easiest to share.” He held the chain between both hands, and extended on hand towards me. The end he extended had the roughest links, from what I could see. “This end, this is the beginning, so it makes sense to start here.”

    He shifted his body, bringing the other hand towards me, showing me the end of the chain where the links weren’t all metal. At least one of them appeared to be some sort of plastic. “This end, this is now.”

    “I’m not following.”

    “No, it isn’t in your nature. I think it might be what I like about you. Anyone else, in this situation, they’d’ve had expectations.”

    “Expectations?” I cocked an eyebrow at this. “Are we getting some crossed signals here? I get that you don’t have the same hang ups and bullshit about gender that I do, but I didn’t you’d think we were going that way.”

    He laughed, warm and wide. “No, that wasn’t where I was going. Though I don’t see why you’re so opposed to it. I can’t understand why you would fear intimacy so much. Especially after that long alone, and this long together.”

    I shook my head, smiling back at him. “I don’t see together the way you do. And it wasn’t that long.”

    “The time you were alone, or the time…”

    “The time alone.” My voice felt flat and heavy, memories trying to push their way back into the forefront. Closing my eyes, I focused and forced them back. “And the time since, it’s been nice. But I don’t see how we’d fit.”

    “That, I could show you. But this path wasn’t the one I intended to wander down. I wasn’t looking at the future, I was trying to share the past.” As he said it, he extended the chain towards me, the rougher end again. Sliding his hand back towards the middle, he stopped on a particular link. “This one, was the first one, part of chains that bound me. My first time being taken. They’d come for me one night, too many to fight. Pinned down, they’d shackled me. It was a dark night.”

    “Why would they?” I think my eyes went wide at his words.

    “Do the reasons really matter? It was long ago, they’ve long since turned to dust. They aren’t even memories any more, outside my own skull.”

    “That’s a little dark. Somehow appropriate though.”

    “Only you…” He studied my face, his expression a mix of confusion and annoyance. Granite, before it broke into something softer.

    “Yea, I think we covered that,” a deep breath in, puffing out my chest. “Only me. Exclusively me, in all your travels, able to actually put up with you and your…” there was a pause. “quirks.”

    A deep sigh, the rolling of his eyes. “This link, was from those shackles. These ones below it, came from later.” He slid his hands further down the chain. Finding a particular joint, he rubbed it between his fingers. “Around here, is where I got lost.”

    “Aren’t you always lost? Isn’t that how this whole thing started?”

    “A different kind of lost. This was when time wasn’t, at least not for me.”

    “Time wasn’t? The hell kind of phrase is that? What, you mean you lost track of it?”

    “I think in a way, it lost track of me. It started with something I mistook for madness, initially. The days didn’t follow each other. I was seeing things leap forward, randomly. Friends told me I’d disappeared for days at a time.”

    “Alright.” A long pause. “Assuming I’m following you on this, how do you know it wasn’t madness, or memory loss, or something simple like that.”

    “The only way I could know. One day, shit went wrong, I lost someone I cared about. And then the next day, it was before they’d died. And then as I tried to reach them, I bounced through their life. Mostly living days I hadn’t lived with them the first time. A few times, I saw myself, and later saw myself again, watching me.”

    “So what you’re saying is, in addition to being basically immortal, you’re also a time traveler.”

    “Yes. Well, I wasn’t then, but I became one eventually.”

    “And the chain?”

    “The chain is the anchor that lets me pull myself through the river. Each link, tied to a certain time. Linked to others forged then. I can feel them hum when they’re near, so I know when I’ve gotten to.”

    “And this the easy secret, is it?” Looking him dead in the eye.

    “One of them. And it does give context for the rest.”

    “Yeah, I suppose it makes it easier to explain things if I understand that time, a major feature of linear storytelling, won’t really apply.”

    He just laughed at that.

  • The Patrician’s Oubliette

    A few months back, I killed my fetlife account, ceased being active in the community, and basically put that aspect of my life on the backburner, including dating.

    There were a few things that caused this, one factor was my continued discomfort with the toxic masculine behavior I kept seeing online.  The final straw though, was lack of reaction from the community to an act I considered to be unforgivably wrong by someone else in the community.

    Last weekend, a local promoter called me, because he thought he needed a last minute favor. I agreed, showed up, helped with things. Didn’t attend the event, just helped with the setup. I thought about, but decided against it.

    Later in the week, I helped with the load out, showing up with the van to move the gear. On the way back, we had a conversation about the event and various things. Some of it reminded me of what I’ve been missing about the community.

    So, I’m trying to figure out how to go about it. How to reactivate my account, how to reconnect with people, get myself out there again. In the meantime, I’m focusing on my health goals in the background.

    I’m still having the same issue with dating that I was having before. It’s hard to explain, but basically it boils down to this. There are plenty of aggressive and abrasive assholes out there, hitting on women, both within the community and in the general online community. It bothers me, though it’s hard for me to articulate exactly how and why, beyond the simple “Treat expletive-ing people with respect, they’re people, expletive for brains.”

    I don’t know how to stand out from that crowd, when I’m uncomfortable enough wading into that cesspool in the first place. Mostly what I do well, is writing. The problem is, writing isn’t really something people appreciate these days, as people tend to TL; DR most of it.

    My brain keeps bouncing off a brick wall when I try to figure out how to best express what I am. Especially since I keep feeling like I need to distance myself from the toxic ideals that I keep seeing. I don’t know how to explain that part, though perhaps by saying I’m not suffering from “Nice Guy Syndrome”, but at the same time, I’m generally a nice guy.

    Right! This is an issue of semiotics; specifically shorthand, expectations and frames of reference.

  • Skipped the party.

    I can move things, but I’ve no reason to try to be part of things. I’m not what belongs there anymore.

    I’ve grown off in a strange direction, somehow.

    I’m in a poorly tailored meatsuit, one that is falling apart from neglect.

    I’ve no desire to expose myself to my past. The regrets would likely carve a chunk from my chest.

    Disjointed and malformed thoughts. Hindsight forsaken for fear of clarity and painful truth.

    Friendships have felt strangely empty. I’m out of phase, so the handshake is fragmentary.

  • Returns…

    So, tonight I’m headed back to Club 23. Now known as Hindenburg. It was a place I spent more than a few nights over the years. Some good times, some rough times.

    I’m going to be working it, moving furniture, helping with getting an event up and running. For a community that I’m not sure I’m part of anymore.

    I am fond of the people who have asked for my help, which is why I’m doing it. I’m just unclear if I’ll fit into things these days.

    I killed my fetlife account, after a promoter who used to work at this club posted a link to something I’d written and tagged my real name on the post.

    I’m wondering if I should bring back the account.

    I’m wondering quite a few things these days.

    I’m dealing with the diabetes, though I lack the equipment to really understand the effectiveness. Though that’ll change soon. Next month, I get my diabetes daycare classes.

     

  • After parties and aftermath.

    The final Noir was rather crowded. To the point of being uncomfortable. The end happened, so everyone and their mule needed to be there. There was a line down past the dessert shop. A friend of mine was in line for about two hours, waiting to get in.

    It was a proper send off, a proper end to a chapter. Reive worked his ass off tonight, keeping all the balls in the air, and hopefully he’ll enjoy his well deserved rest.

  • Anticipation of alienation

    Tomorrow is the last Noir, an event run by friends of mine. An event I’ve helped out with for a year or more at this point. It’ll be music and people, in a concrete bunker. Some aspects of it I’m sure I’ll enjoy, like spending time with friends and the music. On the other hand, it’ll be loud, and I’ll likely have the same feeling of not fitting in that I’ve had for ages now.

    Sure, I have a solid understanding of bdsm, kink, fetish, etc, but beyond mentoring, I haven’t engaged in any of it in ages. I have attended things, but not engaged in them. I’ve literally moved furniture more often than I’ve used it.

    That’s my contribution to the community, a community that I’m only vestigially a part of at this point.

    I’m sure there are reasons that I’ve failed to connect with anyone in recent years, not the least of which being my growing insecurity with toxic masculinity, something that causes me great discomfort and leads to me double thinking my flirting, to the point where it often doesn’t happen.

    I have internalized that the majority of people I meet will not be interested in me, for various reasons. Some of those reasons are perhaps a tad shallow, while others are written deeper into the soul; the validity of the reasons are not mine to question. I can merely accept them and avoid making people uncomfortable, by treating them as people, regardless of any possible interest in them, since the odds are good it won’t be mutual.

    None of this is really new material. I’ve said it all before. I’m cranky because my skill set goes to waste, because of all the various factors. A few appreciate my skills, mostly from a far. I’m cranky because I see individuals who are less qualified in a variety of ways leveraging other traits into chances that they appear to fail to appreciate. Or more significantly, that they fail to respect.

    Alas, sour grapes and further alienation. Further disconnected from a community that I have consistently attempted to be a part of.

  • Outings and such, part two.

    I got a message this morning from my mother. She’d been able to see the thread that I had previously mentioned.  She’s aware that I’m involved in the kink community, so this wasn’t a shock to her. Had the situation been different, that could have been rather stressful. For many people, what I’ve just described is a nightmare scenario, and is one of the reasons people have cited that they aren’t willing to stand up for their beliefs in the community. I had been aware of the possibility, since horror stories of outing as a weapon have existed as long as I’ve been a member of the community.

    Based on his writings, he doesn’t feel he has outed me, since I was already out. Well, I have always thought that an individual should get some discretion over how out they are, and if you aren’t sure, you should probably ask them. That generally works better when you have respect for the person that you are arguing with. I don’t know that this applies here.

    I had just two days ago said I was no longer going to be sanitizing these posts for any given audience, but I’ve already had demands that I change details of what I’ve written. And)
    I’m finding myself choosing my words carefully, since it seems like whatever is said will be taken in a manner other than the manner in which it is written.

    I suspect that I’m not aware of the emotional flavour that I layer into my writing. I was unaware that my distrust of this individual would be so clear as to taint what I felt was a neutral statement of “at one point, I actively recommend (this event), back when I attended, these were the reasons I recommended it back then. I no longer attend for personal reasons, so I can no longer recommend it, as I lack the required information.”

    Apparently, if you have a perceived past bias, people assume you mean more with your words when you say, even when you don’t even care enough anymore to hold an opinion.

    I was already burnt out and planning to leave the community. I had promised I’d help with one last party. Now, I’m not even sure I’ll bother with that. I’ve been told people want me to attend, but given the vitriol about me, I’m feeling unwelcome.

    I’ve been battling feelings of alienation for a long time now, and I think I’ve reached the end of my ability to cope with that.

    I suspect if helping my grandmother to maintain her independence wasn’t an absolute priority, I’d likely be a suicide risk.

  • Outing and Such.

    Well, originally today’s post was possibly going to be my grumbling about the difference between short term skills and long term skills, with regards to relationships, and to BDSM in particular, and how mistaking short term skills for long term can lead to a fair bit of trouble. Or possibly about the whole community charity moving thing that I’ve been working on, since apparently I haven’t done enough to promote it.

    Instead, it’s going to be about paranoia and vendettas, and outing people. I wrote something on Fetlife about how I no longer recommend Sin City to people. At one point in time, it was in my newbie guide, as a good starter event. Since I no longer attend the event, I no longer recommend it. I’ve no knowledge of how the event is run these days, or the competence of the current staff, just that the people I’d have trusted to handle things are no longer involved.

    This was taken as an attack by the event host, who proceeded to post on his page about my attacking his event. This wouldn’t be too bad, except he decided to use my actual name. I’ve a personal policy that I try to keep my Fetlife and my Facebook somewhat separate. I don’t post anything kinky with the world privacy setting, only the friend’s only setting. This is because I have a belief that one good way for Facebook to make money would be to charge companies for Social Media checks. And if not Facebook themselves, there are plenty of other individuals who could provide that service. So, I’d prefer to keep these things separate.

    Isaac ignored that. I don’t think he understood why what he did was a problem, which is part of why I have said I don’t feel he is part of the kink community, just someone who profits from it.

    I attempted to defend myself in post, but he has decided to block me. Personally I find blocking people to be a cheap trick. I prefer to have the conversation. If my opinion isn’t strong enough to stand up against opposition, I should reconsider it and the thought process that led to it. I understand some people don’t agree with that, and prefer to limit the dissenting voices that they are exposed to. I understand it, I just don’t really respect it, unless it’s for medical reasons.

    Currently his cult is making personal attacks against me, which I suppose allows him to keep his hands clean.

  • 2016 approaches.

    Starting the year off with the end of Noir. Probably my last kink event for the foreseeable future.

    While I enjoy spending time with some of the people in the community and have the wisdom to might come in handy for some people, I seem to be lacking in some aspects that seem to be required.

    Aspects of bdsm are still something that I think will probably need in my relationships in the long term, but I suspect it’ll be something of a slower developmental nature. Though currently my thought is that at some point I became a type of person who doesn’t interest others, perhaps in part because they subconsciously they feel rejected by how insular I’ve become.

    In the meantime, I can be found on steam, and local gaming events.

  • Exploded Example, Conflict

    This past weekend, I took a friend with me to Noir.
    It was his first time there though he ran into a few people he knew, mostly from his days in the electronic music scene or from providing medical services at music festivals. Initially, I kept an eye on him, to make sure he was comfortable and in case he had any questions, then I wandered off to be social and deal with the various things.

    At some point, I hooked up the Neon wand, gave him the basics of operating it, and left him running it as a demo station. That seemed quite entertaining for him. At one point, while I was electrified, Ira, our photographer, patted me on the shoulder, didn’t notice the zap, and so I gave him a quick zap after. I probably should have checked with him before that, but at the time, I didn’t think of it.

    Around 2 am, we hopped in the car and headed over to pick up the Van, so we’d be able to move all the furniture out of the venue. I made the mistake of parking it where I’d planned to park it, on the ramp, rather than leaving it around the side until we were actually ready to load out. I had to move it twice before I gave up on having it on the ramp. Lesson learned for next time. Though I still say we can probably just use the smaller van and pack it higher, which means we can actually drive down the damn ramp and into the parkade.

    After that, we unloaded in the locker, packed it to the ceiling, and headed out to the after party, at the House of Ravens, were we provided a bit more of the electrical play demos. Including to people who had said they were scared of electricity prior. So that was a decent accomplishment.

    When things had settled down, we brewed up a pot of coffee and sat in the living room, discussing the evening and various other things. At that point, he told me that one of the women he’d been talking to, had had an issue with me, and had been talking about how she wanted to get me kicked out of the club or banned from it, for being creepy. Apparently, I had a habit of approaching her, not talking to her, talking to whoever she’d been talking to, and then walking away, and she was bothered by this. At least that’s what I understood the problem to be. I may have missed certain details.

    I can’t comment specifically on previous events, as I can’t recall them with any clarity. I do know that that night, I approached Ian to check on him, saw that he was talking to someone I didn’t recognize, tried to place the face, and then moved on to attend to other things.

    When he mentioned who it was, and how I knew her, it made a bit more sense. She’s someone who has had an issue with me since a disagreement a few years back. Probably sometime roughly 6 years ago, I think, though I’m not actually sure now that I try to recall the details. In any case, she isn’t really someone who crosses my mind; though apparently she still has a strong opinion about me.

    His interpretation of it was that she was being catty. I’m not sure of his reasoning, but I’m sure he’ll comment if he wishes to share them.

    I shared this story with a few other individuals involved with the event, looking to get their opinions. One of them reacted with a “Wow, that’s crazy. Good luck trying to get rid of one of the most useful volunteers.”

    We then proceeded to have a conversation about reputation and the protection it provides. I told him that while I appreciated the fact that he’d doubt her story based on knowing me, I still wanted him to take allegations seriously, because as a community, we need to handle things that way. We need to not allow anyone to be protected by how much they contribute.

    The other person had a similar opinion, but wanted more details. We had a similar conversation about what might have upset this person, and if anything could be done to avoid it in the future. And then we had the conversation that inspires this post, which is how we can ensure that there is a balance between taking allegations not being taken seriously, and allegations being used as a weapon, or if that balance is even possible, if a different approach is required to ensure that things are handled in the best and safest manner possible.

    So, if the allegations had been more than just bitterness, and she had actually complained to someone in earnest how would they have been handled? Would the fact that I contributed to the event have been a factor? Would the fact that I have a decent collection of people who would vouch for me be a factor? On one hand, it probably should have some tempering of the concerns, but at the same time, just because I’m not a problem with those people, doesn’t mean I’m not a problem for her.

    Would the allegations have been more serious if they were about different level of violation? Probably but how does that scale function.

    The timeline should be a factor probably, since time can change a recollection of events, and people do change over time. But to what extent.

    What is the appropriate method for dealing with someone you have hostilities with in the community, especially if they’ve embedded themselves into an event?

    Ideally, we don’t want people to be able to use the fact that they contribute to events to be able to use that as a shield that allows them to violate people. Abusers should not be tolerated, no matter how connected they are. And while the idea of accusing someone of something is abhorrent, it isn’t unheard of. It seems to be more common in the kink community than false rape allegations in the vanilla community, but that might just be my impression of it.

    Part of that could be the gradients that are available in the kinky community, and how the accuser will be perceived. In the vanilla community, there is still a considerable amount of sex negativity that the accuser will be branded with, which may be less prominent in the kink community.

    Update : The friend who had mentioned this whole conversation to me clarified things. It wasn’t the girl who wanted me banned, but her friend, who I don’t know that I’ve ever met. So that renders the discussion rather pointless, except for the sake of discussing how to handle such circumstances.

  • The DKIS Problem

    The DKIS Problem a shorthand term for pair of competency related issues known as the Dunning-Kruger Effect and Impostor Syndrome. In simplest terms, a lack of perspective means that people will misjudge their abilities, with less introspective individuals judging themselves superior, while same time, more introspective individuals will judge that the tasks were simple. This leads to doubt that they have any additional competence, feeling that they are in fact impostors for any credit that they are given for their skills.

    Mainly this comes from the fact that the better you get at something, the more you understand all the nuances required to do the job properly and all the little things that can go wrong. These are things that a person not experienced in the task would overlook and potentially underestimate. Instead of understanding the task, they’d relate it to a task that they do with ease, and in the process they would not only draw false parallels, but they’d have also likely forgotten the time spent developing those skills to the point where they became effortless.

    I suspect that there is also a variant of this for physical appearance, where people will judge themselves, at their average, based on the appearance of others at their best, especially in this post Photoshop era. Thus people who would be of better than average attractiveness consider themselves to be of below average.

    In any case, I was wondering what the implications of this were for the various communities that I’m involved in, and some examples of it are glaringly obvious. There’s a particular GM who comes to mind, who is at best average in his ability to tell a compelling story, most of his plots are remixes of other stories, without much in the way of unique takes. But as this individual is not overly introspective, he won’t realize the limitations of his creations.

    On the other hand, another GM I can think of, underestimates himself, despite being one of the best GMs that I’ve ever sat down with. He is annoyed by the fact that he needs to refer to the audio logs to recover details from a side plot that occurred during one of the previous 6+ hour sessions, usually a week or two prior.

    In the BDSM community, the same pattern is likely there. I can think of a variety of individuals who consider themselves to be competent or skilled at things, only to have the general consensus being that they inflate their competence. Though in those situations, it is mostly attributed to ego, rather than a flawed thought process.

    Conversely, there are some who are extremely skilled at a certain task, but through practice it has become rote for them, and thus they don’t feel that it is worthy of the praise that they receive for it.

    The balancing act between confidence in something and crushing doubt, made more difficult by the inability accurately judge the difficulty of a task, coupled with the inability to discern the biases of external arbiters; it is daunting. And many would question the value in having that structure in your head in the first place. Why convert the idea into a mental construct, rather than just trusting your gut?

    Without some external points of reference, you can’t have accurate perspective, and I think that’s dangerous. Too many knocks on the head from misjudging the height of things to think otherwise.

  • Laughing Buddha’s Sexting App

    It was Laughing Buddha who started it all. He wrote the original code, built the wrapper, and hooked in the APIs. And he did it with such subtlety that even though people expected the malware, they didn’t have a clue what it did. They figure it was harmless, just a bit of market research, some bullshit targeted advertising, but overall, nothing dangerous. Too bad little Laughing Buddha had other plans.

    Near as anyone can figure, he’s some sort of satirist, but believes in educating people through, well, I guess the best description would be painful lessons.

    The product was simple, a customized android keyboard that was designed with predictive sexting. It came complete with an anatomic slang dictionary, a simile generator, a pretty sweet random act module, and the ability to keep track of people’s preferences and give you a percentile odds on how they’d react to your message before you sent it.

    Needless to say, it was a hit. Everyone downloaded it. And then the big boys got involved and removed it from the App stores. The made it impossible to load it legitimately. You’d need to side-load it. But hey, that really just made it more popular.

    Of course the danger of side-loading something, or loading it on a rooted phone is that whatever you’re loading, it isn’t locked up in the sandbox anymore. It’s got more access. Especially if it’s carrying some heavy duty hooks that allow it to start tearing apart the security permissions, prying into all the little secrets that people keep on their phones. And these days, their phone is where everyone keeps their secrets.

    As the infection spread through the system, it opened up a VPN tunnel back to the source, linking into various APIs, sharing the data. And what would this information be used for, you might be wondering? Well, it was pumped into a dating site and the associated chat app.

    Initially, nobody really noticed the integration. It just looked like a bit of synergy between a two companies with a nice market overlap. Until she showed up.

    She was a corruption of an existing virtual assistant. And now she was planning dates for people. And insisting they go on them. In some cases, she manage to do this with subtlety, planning the dates, so each party thought the other had asked them. Orchestrating things like a puppet master, she picked the locations, made the reservations, bought the tickets, arranged everything, graciously and effortlessly, the perfect digital assistant.

    And as long as you went along with her plan, you didn’t realize that behind her smile, there was a nasty set of fangs. It took a long time for the first reports to come out. There were a few rumours, of dates not being what was planned, or match ups not being what the person thought they’d been agreeing to. Then, a couple of night’s after valentine’s day, a video went wideband. Uploaded onto youtube and various filesharing sites, the person behind it wanted it shared. The man told his story, of how the app had blackmailed him with the nude pics it had collected of him, sending him on dates with people it thought he’d like.

    He was the first, and after his story got out there, plenty of other people started posting their version. All variations on the same thing. They’d been told to cooperate or the photos they’d been sending with the app would be sent to their family members.

    Eventually, someone managed to start taking apart the code, and get at the real brains behind it. It was there, a really clever little piece of code. Get into people’s lives, get as much information about them as possible, make some lives better, if they deserved it, and make some lives worse, if they deserved it. At least that’s how the mind inside the machine saw things. People who’d been mean, small-minded, bigoted, closeted, hateful or otherwise objectionable, they were given all sorts of fun at the hands of the app. People it thought had been sincere, it had tried to find the right partner for.

    In the end, nobody did figure out who Laughing Buddha was, or why he’d wasted such a powerful piece of code on something so frivolous. If he’d wanted to do real damage with it, he could have. He could have robbed people blind, destroyed lives, caused suicides, and far worse; instead he just embarrassed a few people.

  • Scencest – practical or paranoid?

    Many years ago, when asked why I didn’t date a particular girl, I used the term scencest to explain my discomfort with dating someone inside a small and insular community. Too many crossing paths, too many common friends, or worse too many common ex’s.

    The BDSM community has grown a bit since then, but I find I still have that discomfort. How does one get over it, or it it healthy to maintain it?

    I suppose it doesn’t help that plenty of the guys in my community tend to crowd around the attractive newbies, which tends to scare them off and that just makes the problem worse.

    When a couple breaks up, odds are good that the male will stick around, and the female will either leave or get a ton of messages.

    I’m old, grumpy and bitter, I’ll admit. But how much of this problem is in my head, and how much is what you also see?

  • 33 M4f – looking for someone who appreciates me.

    I think I’m pretty awesome, but I’m having trouble finding someone who agrees and I have chemistry with. It seems that either we have chemistry and they hate me, or we are fond of each other but it isn’t anything more.

    My fear of being a toxic misogynistic asshole has led to me double thinking my flirting & generally just being too damn disengaged to connect with someone.

    My job keeps me busy til 9 pm on weekdays, so I’ve had trouble meeting people at the casual events.

    Even then, I’ve been involved in BDSM and the local Goth scene for a decade and a half, but I hate dating within the community. The whole scencest dynamic and drama… It doesn’t work for me.

    So I look for someone who suits me in other places. I tend to find people who fit me in random places. IRC channels, MUDs, volunteering, here on reddit, etc. It has been a while since I’ve found anyone, so I’m trying something different.

    I spend too much time online, either on my laptop or my phone. I do far more writing on my phone than I should. Including writing this. Lately I’ve noticed that I don’t really have anyone I’m taking to. It would be nice to have someone to talk to.

    I spend a decent amount of time on my own, mostly listening to podcasts, because listening to people having interesting conversations is my best substitute for having interesting conversations with people. Horror show Hot Dog, Slaughterhouse Princess, the Giant Bombcast, the Dice Tower, the Secret Cabal, Apropos of Nothing, to name a few.

    Oh right, I should focus on the BDSM bits… I am into BDSM because I have a tendency to lead, and that works better in the BDSM community than in the rest of the world, or at least that is my terribly misguided assumption. I also like the clarity that comes from proper negotiations. Oh and I’m a bit of a sadist.

  • Characters

    I’m thinking I should put together a page that lists the various characters who appear in this list, separating those who exist from those who don’t and providing as much or as little real world context for them as they feel comfortable with.

    This was motivated by aRedBaroness joining the board games and DerBlob having a handle that I am having a hard time associating with him.

    So, if you want to volunteer your context, let me know.

    Dimestore is our shadowrun GM, a regular board gamer, a scholar and a gentleman.

    John Duggan, when he appears in the blog, is a fictional interpretation of a real person, who I never spend much time with. Less of a scholar, but no less a gentleman than Dimestore, he has serious obligations that tend to interfere with board gaming.

    Reive Doig has been a figure in the Vancouver kink scene for a few decades now. He’s something of a pioneer, with a passion for community building and education. He is part of the team behind Noir and Erotic Vancouver, which I help with. He tends to have too much on his plate at any given time.

    aRedbaroness and I have known each other for years, since I dated one of her friends. While that ended with a bit of a flat note, the friendship has remained. We’ve recently started to collaborate on some projects, as we both have a strong focus on the written word.

    mogdoll, the henchmuffin, is a great minion.

    I’m sure there are more and more details will be added, but this was what came out of my head on the ride to work.

  • Social Media Pattern Extraction.

    This morning, twitter once again suggested I follow a person who I dislike. While I haven’t seen any direct evidence that this individual is abusive and violates boundaries, I’ve seen plenty of secondary evidence, including accounts from individuals. It bothers me that because this individual has friends in common with me on twitter, or has some sort of social media profile similar to my own, twitter thinks I should connect with them.

    Then I started pondering something that was said the other day on a podcast, regarding Klout Score. IIRC, it was the Giant Beastcast, talking about hotel room upgrades based on Klout score, after a conversation about Uber drivers and their ratings systems. I sent them a tweet, suggesting that they read Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom, by Cory Doctorow.  I know I’ve mentioned in my past writings about this book, and about the Whuffie system, a social currency that we seem to be drifting ever closer to. I wondered if there was a social media pattern to abusers that could be detected.

    In the past I’ve stated that looking at someone’s fetlife friend’s list can provide you with some potential insight into their social position, intentions and perhaps even their character. I’ve stated that I tend to distrust people who have friends that fall entirely into one category, especially if the cruder among us would describe that category as “prey”. If I were better at extracting and processing data, or programming, I’d attempt to see if there was a pattern recognition system that could be developed, to provide some sort of background alarm for this sort of thing. Sadly, the only person I know who was working on this sort of thing has a tendency to alienating people and making their work unpalatable to others.  (LS – DAUR)

    In other news, I have started playing Ingress again. The weather is nice, so I’ll be other there walking about more.

  • Summoning

    There was trouble nearby, so I went to save the day.

    Summoned by the cries of a damsel in distress.

    An outcast, who has been banned from a few events, is being creeperly to a newbie. And someone who I’d brought the hammer down on, called me for backup, mostly subconsciously.

    I’d been in bed, reading, getting ready to sleep, but duty calls. So, I get up, throw my clothing back on and I’m out the door.

    I get there, and I take up a position to keep an eye on things, and check in with the girl who summoned me. She provides details while we observe.

    No negotiations, hardly any discussions… It is not a good start.

    His technique is … Just sad.
    The need for control is there. Too desperate, too needy.

    The newbie seems into it, her more experienced friend seems concerned.

    Roughly an hour passes, and #translack has ceased being an option. I tell the friend that it’s time head out, and this manages to get the newbie ready to go.

    We head out the back way, walk north to the Co-op car. Along the way, the two of them talk, and the newbie’s attitude quickly changes. She goes from being happy with the activity to regretting it. How much of that is caused by her friend’s disapproval is unclear, how much is caused from coming out of the scene, who knows. It reminds me that there are too many possibilities.

    On one hand, this fellow has been banned from a couple of events; on the other hand, I’ve said a few times that I distrust promoters because there are several of them who I don’t think would be welcome at events, unless they were running their own event. It’s a complicated subject.

    Either way, it’s a 20 minute drive to get them back someplace safe, then another 30 back to my place.

    An hour driving, an hour at the thing. At least two hours past when I’d planned to sleep.

    Why do I do these things? What part of me is broken so I’m compelled to do so?

     

  • Scheduling issues.

    So, I thought I had a shift tonight and so I showed up at the office at 2:30, only to find all the desks were taken. But, we’ve had busy evenings lately, so they figure I might as well stick around. After about an hour, the morning shift clears out and I get my desk back. Not long after that, one of the regular night shift guys finds himself developing a migraine. So, it worked out. I finished a full Friday shift, and headed home.

    I’ve got Sunday booked off for recovery after helping with the Noir Setup and Teardown. I’m hoping that my friend doesn’t bail on our Saturday night plans, as currently I’m going to require her assistance to get back from parking lot after I drop off the van. The vehicles for this time lined up in the wrong ways, which has complicated things. Worst case, I’ll get creative.

    Or get some late night exercise in.

    At some point on Saturday and maybe Sunday, I’d like to get some gaming in. Possibly some solo LotR on Saturday morning.

    I still need to play Dead of Winter at some point, but it needs 3-5 people.

  • Upcoming events from Rascal’s Club.

    Last year, I met up with Gem from Rascal’s club after Taboo to talk about her upcoming events. The Ms. Rascal’s Pageant and their Kinky Camping. Both were great events, and this morning I met with Gem over coffee to discuss her plans for this year. Well, that and to catch up on all the latest news from the various corners of the community. One of the topics were got talking about was Markus and his VR Porn company, MetaVerseXXX.

    The change we had discussed last year, where the Ms. Rascal’s Pageant will include a Mr. Rascal’s title, has come to pass. But more on that over on Erotic Vancouver.

  • The Society of the Ethical Top

    Over the years I’ve heard my share of horror stories about the BDSM community. Many of the events that become the stories are probably avoidable though education and negotiation. An aspect that is often neglected in that regard is mediation; an attempt to discover how things went wrong and grow from them. In some cases, meditation won’t improve matters, as the intent behind the violation was harmful. In most cases however the intent to harm isn’t present; but misunderstanding can result in demonization as an attempt to rationalise the harm felt. Overlooking this can result in both division and gossip, something that can actually create a smokescreen within which the real predators can hide.

    In order to promote this harm reductive approach, it was proposed that we develop a code of conduct and encourage those so inclined to join a collective dedicated to that end. A society for ethical tops. While I think I’d prefer a term with a different connotation, something closer to brotherhood, I dislike the assumed gender bias that might come with that term. Members across the gender spectrum would be welcome, and of the various orientations, with the caveat that the organisation is limiting its scope to the actions while responsible for others. A different group would be more suited for the oversight of the actions of the other party.

    A suggested code of conduct:

    Always obtain informed consent.
    Negotiate all potential activities prior to playing. This includes aftercare.
    Never renegotiate when consent cannot be obtained.
    Admit your mistakes, attempt to resolve them in reasonable fashion.
    Do not misrepresent yourself or your skills.
    Do not allow style to countermand substance.
    Cease play when a safeword is used, ensure others do also.
    Ensure that your partner is properly monitored whenever they are in an altered state.
    You are responsible for your own mental state, take reasonable precautions.
    Do not intentionally or deliberately cause unwanted damage, be it mental, physical or emotional.
    Inform your partner when you have concerns.
    Ensure your partner always has a method of communicating with you.

  • brief update

    I need to write things more often. I’ve been slacking lately.
    There was some recent news regarding my liver. It scored a 16 on a test where anything above a 10 is a bad thing. But that’s been covered on my facebook, which this posts to, so most people who read this will already have read about that.

  • Domlander 2015

    Well, that was a fun night. I wrote a decent piece. It’s up over here, at Erotic Vancouver. And now I’m tired. Tomorrow, I’m going to wander Victoria for a bit. Maybe do some ingressing.

  • Live Blog.

    Well, I’m about to make another attempt to channel the spirit of Spider Jerusalem once again, and put together a live blog. A stream of my thoughts, coherent enough to be understood and interesting enough to be worth reading. If you’re curious what I’m up to tonight, it’ll be going up over on EroticVancouver.com. 

    IMG_20150321_185151

  • Predatory Behaviors discussion

    Recently on Jezebel, there was an article about a Male Feminist being accused of rape. I brought the topic up with Reive, as something Erotic Vancouver should address. The biggest problem is, currently EV is a bit lacking in active female writers.

    We recently added 2ndNature, though I think she’s still getting stuff sorted out. We were also adding Moon Dancer, though I’m unclear when she’s going to have the time to write, as she tends to have a busy life.

    So, I approached a couple of other females from the kink community, for their opinions. We’ve got a few of them interested in a round table discussion on the topic. I think we’ll get a good discussion out of it. Mostly I’ll just be facilitating and taking notes, since I think our readers would prefer that we avoid mansplaining this issue.

    The topic that I want to look is just predatory behavior in the community in general.

    For me, the biggest flag about some male feminists, is the camouflage aspect of it. The article refers to it as Macktivism, a portmanteau of Macking and Activism, and it is described as a dating strategy. I see it as a predator trying to find ways to hide by disguising themselves something harmless. For various reasons, that really bothers me.

  • Underground

    Sitting in an underground parkade, outside something that can best be described as a rave. Reminds me of a similar parties ages ago. I’m trying to have some deep thoughts, but the surface tension seems pretty solid. Just skipping stones across the surface at this point.

  • Hatchets

    The other night, while reflecting on the past, I was reminded of my role as the hatchet man lurking in the shadows of the community. That’s a thought that requires some explanation. I don’t know that I can pinpoint when it started or how, but I do have an understanding of why it came about.

    It is open to interpretation whether my compulsion to make decisions that are unprofitable but morally satisfying is a result of moral fibre or self hatred combined with an inferiority complex.

    It’s also possible that I’m just addicted to the self satisfaction of taking the moral high ground, or at least playing at being a hero.

    The fact that I’ve developed the assumption of that the fact that I’m an outcast and unwanted; and yet still around, means I’m basically untouchable. Nothing anyone can say about me can force me further from the people who know me. They’ve accepted my flaws and my baggage, for their own reasons. I don’t see that changing without activity on my part. Unless I change what I am, the bargain remains, and so I remain.

    That frees me up to be honest, to say the words that others might decide to swallow. I can be bluntly honest, since it can’t damage my reputation.

    And these elements key off each other, and other elements of my personality. I observe things that I could probably ignore, and I find it hard to keep myself from getting involved. From trying to make things better, because a part of me remembers the way things were for me, and how making things better would have meant so much, of when it did mean something to me.

    In any case, I get told things or I see things, and the pieces get put together. I build a little diorama and flesh it out. The players all get dressed up in the appropriate hats.

    And then I have a obligation, so I go try to do the right thing, look the fool, feel like the hero, and maybe accomplish something in the process.  Though usually all that does is to create enough doubt that the conscience of the person actually resolves the damn issue.

    Resolution is resolution, and results is results, so people tell you more stories and you try again. The process is cyclical and ephemeral, but it works well enough that people who want to believe in it will keep believing in it. That’s the way all faiths function.

    Then again, sometimes I actually accomplish things through sheer blunt force; bashing my skull into the wall until I come out the other side.

  • There will come a morning after…

    I’m on the bus on the way back into the office. I’ve had an interesting weekend. Created more content than I’ve created in a long time. It can be found over on EroticVancouver. That’s the majority of the writing I did this weekend, though there’s another 50% again as many words that have been written and will be released on EV over the next couple weeks.

    While I was at Taboo for most of the weekend, I did manage to get some work done. Delivered three modems that should go live sometime today. And sat in the dungeon programming an ATA during the show, so that the ported number would work properly.

    After I finished playing Locker Tetris with the gear from the dungeon, I delivered the ATA, tweaked the router and tested it out. Then I headed over to the post Taboo defrag. It was nice. Managed to get the last piece of the live blog finished while sipping on homemade gin.

  • The Calm before the Storm

    Well, it’s Saturday morning, and I’m sitting on a couch, watching House with my Grandmother, who is currently cuddling my stuffed Cthulhu. We’ve been watching House for a few weeks now, since I had it on one night after work. Prior to that, I’d been watching it to decompress after work, and I’d gotten through five or so seasons. I think we’ve only got a season or two left.

    In theory, I should head down to Taboo soon, but Gram isn’t feeling great, so I’m sticking around here for a bit. On Monday, she had some heart problems, and was hospitalized overnight. That was pretty stressful for me. Work was understanding about it, something I appreciate. I made the right decision not to pursue the other job opportunities.

    Thursday, I headed down to Taboo to do setup. Well, first I picked up a couch from the Salvation Army store and delivered it, in order to recruit a volunteer to help me with Taboo. Then I hit the storage locker, loaded in the few pieces that Noir was bringing down to Taboo, drove down, and dropped off that gear. I stationed one of my volunteers there, and ran some other errands. And then I made it into the office, only an hour late, something I’d previously arranged.

    I didn’t manage to get any Taboo preview writing done, which I had intended to do. I could have gone down to Taboo after work, but I decided to go home and spend time with Gram instead.

    Last night, after work, I headed down to Taboo, and managed to get a decent amount of writing done. I did a few interviews with various people hanging out in the dungeon and planned out what I want to write over the next few days.

    I’d like to get back to writing on my fiction projects, and maybe some other articles. However, I think I need more mental space to be able to get that done. Which means it’ll probably be a week or so before I manage to get much writing done.

  • iCandy Thoughts

    This is my attempt at a review of iCandy, a party that is thrown on Friday nights at Club 8×6, by ScottyHotty half of the [adjective not found] Plur Duo, with his partner, Markus|edge. The Plur parties have been some of the better events that I’ve attended. I’ve also enjoyed the energy on the dance floor at Noir when Markus has been up on the decks.

    The events they throw have had a good energy, a good vibe, a good [word for a spiritual thing that is hard to put into words without sounding like a hippy] or something like that. I’m not sure how best to explain it, but I can recommend the event for someone who wants to explore their sexuality and boundaries more, in a low pressure and low judgement environment.

    I’ve been to three or four parties at Club 8×6 at this point. The Mad Hatter party and both of the iCandy parties. I think there was one other, but I don’t recall.

    For the most part, I’ve ended up in a comfortable corner, with the Neon Wand kit plugged in, doing electrical play demos and socializing with people. For who haven’t been educated on the various strange and wonderful toys out there, [here’s a crash course on the Violet Wands]. TL;DR, it’s a zappy fun electrical play toy.

    [Right, sorry, digression. Back to praising Plur. They put together an interesting event. I have not experienced any of the other events at Club 8×6, so it’s a bit hard for me to distinguish the aspects of the event that are unique to the event from those that are part of the venue. ]

    The best way to review iCandy is to give you the spiel I’d give to a friend who was curious about attending.

    iCandy takes place in a great venue, just off Denman, right behind True Confections, that great little dessert place. Being downtown, parking absolutely sucks. Anyways, you go into this little room, pay your fee through the glass window, they give you a padlock with a key and buzz the door open. Down a set of stairs, you enter into a locker room. Find a locker without a padlock on it, change into what you find comfy and sexy, or whatever you’re ready to wear, lock up your phone and valuables, and go exploring.

    The venue isn’t brightly lit, so it might take your eyes a bit to adjust. They’v set up a social area and a dance floor, and then across the ways, through a bit of a doorway, they’ve got a dungeon and a curtained off area. I’ve yet to explore past the curtained area, so I can’t talk about that. The dungeon area has plenty of equipment set up, with appropriate supervision. If it’s your first time, it might be a bit much for you. Then again, some people just want to leap in with both feet. One thing you’ll probably notice is that there are plenty of safety supplies around.

    Back in the social area, you’ll find a pile of Pink and Green cards on the table, with some markers nearby. These are for writing out a brief introduction about yourself. What handle or name you go by, your orientation, and some of your interests. Then you attach that card to your outfit, and you’ve got an instant icebreaker. I’ve been told that the Pink cards are for if you’re mostly looking to observe and the Green cards are for if you’re looking to actively get involved in play.

    You’ll find that the people are dressed in a variety of outfits and have a variety of body shapes and sizes. And the surprising part, nobody seems to have a problem with the body types they aren’t personally interested in. It’s a very body positive and sex positive night.

    Those are the basics. Beyond that, I think you might need to experience it for yourself to understand it.