The Patrician’s Oubliette

A few months back, I killed my fetlife account, ceased being active in the community, and basically put that aspect of my life on the backburner, including dating.

There were a few things that caused this, one factor was my continued discomfort with the toxic masculine behavior I kept seeing online.  The final straw though, was lack of reaction from the community to an act I considered to be unforgivably wrong by someone else in the community.

Last weekend, a local promoter called me, because he thought he needed a last minute favor. I agreed, showed up, helped with things. Didn’t attend the event, just helped with the setup. I thought about, but decided against it.

Later in the week, I helped with the load out, showing up with the van to move the gear. On the way back, we had a conversation about the event and various things. Some of it reminded me of what I’ve been missing about the community.

So, I’m trying to figure out how to go about it. How to reactivate my account, how to reconnect with people, get myself out there again. In the meantime, I’m focusing on my health goals in the background.

I’m still having the same issue with dating that I was having before. It’s hard to explain, but basically it boils down to this. There are plenty of aggressive and abrasive assholes out there, hitting on women, both within the community and in the general online community. It bothers me, though it’s hard for me to articulate exactly how and why, beyond the simple “Treat expletive-ing people with respect, they’re people, expletive for brains.”

I don’t know how to stand out from that crowd, when I’m uncomfortable enough wading into that cesspool in the first place. Mostly what I do well, is writing. The problem is, writing isn’t really something people appreciate these days, as people tend to TL; DR most of it.

My brain keeps bouncing off a brick wall when I try to figure out how to best express what I am. Especially since I keep feeling like I need to distance myself from the toxic ideals that I keep seeing. I don’t know how to explain that part, though perhaps by saying I’m not suffering from “Nice Guy Syndrome”, but at the same time, I’m generally a nice guy.

Right! This is an issue of semiotics; specifically shorthand, expectations and frames of reference.


  1. ·

    Honestly there is always going to be a toxic type of person everywhere you go. The thing I think is really important in life, for me at least, is that I do the best I can and distance myself from those I don’t wish to associate with. I dislike people in almost every group I’m in but I can’t tell other people who they are is wrong, because it isn’t up to me to police the world. People are going to be jerks, they are going to engage in behaviours we don’t appreciate but hey someone somewhere probably does. People suck, let’s just be the best us we can 🙂 p.s. I totally read your posts I just don’t really comment ever 😛


  2. ·

    Be you man. but you gotta put yourself out there.

    If they go TL:DR on ya, they probably wouldn’t be a good fit anyway. Write, its who you are, so put it plain in text on the page (or screen).

    Show who you are in your way.

    I’m a Hermit, so Take my advice with a grain of salt, but now you know my thoughts on it.

    And take care of yourself, I have few I classify friend, who survive my purges and who stick around despite my going silent, or not “hanging out” for long periods.

    1. Gravedigger

      It has been quite a while since we hung out. Still, we seem to have that same rapport when we do talk.


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