Well, I went out for New Years eve. And not long ago, I made it home. The last leg of my trip home was a 3 km walk, from Renfrew up to my place. During the walk, I had a decent amount of time to reflect. Right now, my gut says that it was likely my last night out at Noir or other kink events for the foreseeable future. It was not a bad night, but a few minor things have left me feeling like I need to take some time away from things for a bit. The difficult part of that is that I’ve recently committed to helping grow Erotic Vancouver, including a highlight article on the upcoming Taboo show. I’d also started to spearhead a charity project, but either someone else can pick that idea up or it can sit on the back burner for a while. I’m sure very little of this makes sense, and part of it is probably the result of the minimal amount of sleep I managed last night, but I need to pay more attention to my boundaries, rather than ignoring them as I’ve tended to do. If something makes me feel wrong or upset, I should get some space from it. So that’s what I’m doing.
Category: Real Life
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between xmas and new years.
Well, it’s the 29th of December. On Wednesday, I’ve got a shift, and then in theory, I could go out to Noir. I’ll have friends there, and I’ll have the excuse of having the neon wand set up for demos. Though if I’m doing that, I’ll be sober. And right now, I have an odd inclination to get drunk again. The problem with that is that I lack someone to make sure I get home safe.
Odds are, I’d be fine. I have a tendency to stay functional, no matter how drunk I get. But at the same time, I’ve got a certain paranoia about that.
It seems like it would be easier to stay home and play Dragon Age Inquisition for 18 hours straight, while drinking caffeine and perhaps something alcoholic. Or not. I bought the game for myself for my birthday, still haven’t opened it yet. Would have saved money by buying it on boxing day.
Money hasn’t been a big motivator for me, because when I start to think about it, I tend to become a jerk. If I ignore it, I’m not greedy, but if I start to focus on it, I become much more mercenary. It’s an aspect of myself that I don’t like. It’s also something that gets me in trouble, when I don’t bother to budget properly. But, I’m getting better at that.
This post, and probably the last few posts have lacked punch. They’ve lacked something worth reading. But, it’s better that I write and get things out of my head. It’s good to practice, playing with my words. One area I really need to work on is dialogue, since that’s an area I think I’m weakest in. I have a hard time with the nuances of natural conversation.
I’ve got two posts, maybe three, that are in my drafts folder. One of them has actual thought behind it. I think I need to take some time to work on them. But it’s hard to get into the right headspace lately.
I think I need to adjust my days off in the new year, preferably so I’m getting a pair of days off in a row, rather than the On-On-On-Off-On-Off-On schedule that I’ve been doing. I think that’ll help me in clearing my head and getting out of the bit of a rut that I feel like I’ve gotten into creatively.
With Christmas and New Years over, the next thing on the Horizon will be Taboo, which will be interesting this year. I’ll be working for Erotic Vancouver and we’ve got some awesome Taboo plans. After that, Valentine’s day, and with luck, my Saint Valentine’s day charity massacre. And then Gotta Con. I’ve got a few plans for that, though I suspect it’ll be a little weird.
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Signal to Noise Ratios
I’ve long been known to rant about my frustration with the modern world in regards to the signal to noise ratios, specifically the frustration I have with the difficulty of recognising craft from dross.
We are in an era where everyone can have a voice, but most haven’t developed the skills required to recognise when it is wisest to be quiet.
In various circumstances, that ignorance benefits those who are either playing the odds or who are oblivious to negatives of the reactions they generate. Some individuals are happy to spray forth a stream of generalised inquires, happy with their 1% (or less) response rate, because they are at least getting responses.
I tend to prefer to craft something personal, taking the time to consider what I can learn about them from what they’ve written and what I think the possible connections could be.
The problem is, both of those messages appear in the inbox in the same way. While I can do a little to distinguish myself from the horde, the messages will only convey that to someone who is actually looking for it, and most are simply scanning, as it is but one of fifty plus messages that they’ve received since their last log on.
It is a case of signal to noise. Like using an old analog radio in a crowded space. As you twist the dial, you’ll pick up snatches of content. Sometimes, you’ll find something that interests you, but most of the time you’ll settle on something clear, rather than finding what you really want.
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ships sunk.
This is the fourth or fifth time I’ve opened a window and stared at the page, trying to clean up my thoughts into words. The last few times I’ve decided to install Linux or browse Facebook instead of actually writing.
I’m having a hard time expressing myself because I don’t consider my current concerns to have high stakes. They are meaningless in the bigger picture. Petty and small, yet somehow they are still managing to cripple me.
Not to long ago, I looked at a thread on reddit asking people why they were really single. While I thought about what my answer would be, I scanned through the list, plenty of people with answers along the same lines as mine would have been. Obviously I’m not alone in being alone.
A friend was trying to help me with my OK cupid profile the other day. She’d found a great guy on there, and figures I should be able to have the same luck.
I appreciate her support, but a big part of the problem is that while I’m lonely, I’m not sure how ready I am to actually be involved with anyone.
A few months back I met someone from the site and we got along well. It seemed like it was something, but suddenly it was gone. Before that I think I’d made various attempts at dating, but my recollections aren’t overly clear.
I know at one point I’d thought I had chemistry with someone at a kink event and then been told that the person didn’t have time for any other relationships in their life. Not long after, that same person started complaining in her FetLife status posts about a lack of sadists in her life. At that point, I could have approached her, I could have commented on it, or a few other tactics. Instead, I removed her from my friends list, as it was my discomfort that was the issue.
Perhaps that is a cowardly way of dealing with the issue, I likely would have considered it that a few years back. On the other hand, it was my problem. I was the one bothered by what was communicated and I had no real investment in the “friendship”, so best to move on.
Is this a pattern of avoidance on my part? There is one girl that I’ve been talking to for a year or more, who I originally tried to help get out of an abusive relationship. We’ve hung out a few times, talked about it going somewhere, but it hasn’t gone past teasing. She also has an fwb who she is loyal to, but who doesn’t seem to deserve that loyalty. From what she has said, their relationship has violated her boundaries a few times, and she’s accepted it. It bothers me. She showed me what he got her for Christmas. That was a wake-up call for me. I’ve told her that I’m going to be distant for a while, that I’m probably going to be getting more distant. It bothers me that someone I am fond of is taking part of something that makes her sad.
I’m sure I could talk longer about this, but I’ve run out of time for now.
Back from dinner with the family, attempting to recover my train of thought.
I have a handful of people that I’ve managed to open up to, but the amount I’ve opened up has probably been reshaped over the last few years. It’s probably deceptively shallow, in that the stuff I’ve gotten comfortable with has gotten broader, but the specific details have faded away.
Apparently my psyche is best compared to a bog at this point. Random patches of solid ground surrounded by a mess of unstable soil, punctuated with random sink holes.
The girl I’d mentioned earlier got upset with me for posting about her, rather than talking to her about the issue. I posted about it because I’m trying to understand the pattern that I’m going through. It was about her, but only in as much as she was someone who was there for it. The bigger issue, the thing I was writing about, was how I was handling things. Rather than making an attempt to compete, I’m backing down and wandering off.
I’ve been doing that lately, but it’s also something I picked up a while ago. I don’t see the point in competing for people. Part of it is that people aren’t prizes, so competing for them isn’t something I’m comfortable with anymore. Part of it is that I’ve gotten a negative view of my own self worth.
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Good news, but bad feelings
I should be in a good place. I’ve got a job that I like and that I’m good at. I’ve got friends that I enjoy spending time with. I’ve got interesting projects that I’m working on. I have been getting a good night’s sleep most nights. My back isn’t bothering me, nor is my bad knee.
And yet I’m not. I’m aware that I’m in this weird downward spiral of negativity. I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m fully aware of it, but nothing seems to help.
I should get out and exercise more, maybe that will help. I took a walk today, maybe I’ll have time for one before work tomorrow.
I attempted to make connections with people, attempted to find someone on a dating site, but that just leads to me doubting myself and my value. Not to mention the random blows to my ego that come from just being on a dating site.
The whole dating site concept bothers me. I was having a conversation with someone on one of the sites, she asked for some info. I provided her with the information and a few days later asked if she’d had time to read it. Her response was that she that she had over 100 messages in her inbox, so she’d get back to me eventually. That’s great. I’m sure part of it is the whole shiny newbie fresh meat thing, but it’s also the fact that there are always plenty of men on dating sites, and from what I’ve seen, the majority of them are eager to find something. Hell, some would argue even desperate.
When it comes down to it, it’s a signal to noise ratio issue. And I don’t have a clue how to build an amp, and I certainly can’t help anyone install a filter. I suppose the best I can do is look for alternative channels.
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332.6 / 33.087
I’m over at my parents place, fixing their network connections and being social. In theory, I’m here for a holiday dinner. And another one later in the week. Given how little sleep I managed to get last night, I’m a bit on the grumpy side. When I got here, I took a shower, to freshen up and wake up a bit. While in the bathroom I used the scale. I haven’t used one in a long time, probably a good 6 months, maybe longer. I’m heavier than last time I looked at it, which makes sense. I’ve been walking daily, but I’ve also been more sedentary than prior to starting this job. So, 332.6 Lbs at 33.087 years old.
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Sweet Revenge.
Sometimes, you find a certain pocket of reality, a sweet spot in the the slipstream of fate. It’s a delicate little hollow, that you can only know by feeling the disruptions along the edges. As long as you ride with it, everything works. I had one of those nights tonight.
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Madness ensued.
It’s been nearly a week since I posted. The last week was a rough one. There was a bit of an issue at work which resulted in some of extra hours, and I managed to turn my cold into a respiratory infection for a few days. All in all, I’m really grateful for that lovely electric fire that faces my bed. I don’t think I’d have recovered as fast without it.
I found out I’m going to be losing another friend, but this time on good terms. I won’t be able to make it out to his going away party, but we had a nice meal the other day.
I’m still trying to figure a few things out. I’ve wasted another weekend, because I didn’t feel up for anything. Partially it was a health issue, partially it was a lack of things I’d like to do, and people I’d like to do them with.
I’ve got Thursday off this week and I’ve booked that evening for hanging out with Dimestore. There is a chance we’ll try out Doomtown Reloaded, or maybe some Netrunner, or some other random board game. I’d like to find a few more people to join in for that.
Speaking of Netrunner, in a previous post, I said there were two Tournaments this month. Well, I managed to fail to attend both of them. The first one was because of complications and the second was health issues. Either way, I haven’t built a deck I’m happy with in a while, so it wasn’t a big loss. I need to get deeper into that mindset. Either that or I need to spend more time on OCTGN.
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The Kinky and Geeky Munch
I can’t recall the last time I’ve been out for a munch. Probably at least 3 months. I made the time to come out to this one, expecting to go out to the TNG group to support them. However, I ended up at the Kinky and Geeky, though I’m not exactly sure why I made that decision.
One factor would be that there’s a one shot game of the Laundry files happening at the Kinky and Geeky and I haven’t played an RPG in ages. We’ve attempted to get our Shadowrun game up and running again for a while, but without much luck.
The Laundry Files is a series of books by a British author focused on the bureaucratic solution to the problem of non-standard math allowing people to access the parts of reality where the really nasty things live. The Laundry is a department that doesn’t exist, that employs people who have seen things that shouldn’t be seen and survived. Better to give them a job and a pension rather than melting their mind while trying to wipe it.
Once again, Live blogging from an event, because that’s something that I find amusing.
We’ve all just arrived to work and we’ve been called up to Mahogany Row. Based on the file they gave us, they want to send us to West African nation for reasons they’ve yet to explain. I’m playing a female computational demonologist, carrying an iphone with some pre-loaded spells and a laptop with some warding.
Around the table with me are a variety of other people playing other members of the Laundry. Of them, two have familiarity the Laundry and the others with passing familiarity with Lovecraftian horrors. Overall, probably a decent group for a horror RPG.
Great, our job is to rescue hostages from a Liberation army. Rebels aren’t the friendliest in the best of times, but in a dictatorship, that seems suicidal. Especially an isolationist dictatorship. No diplomatic contact in more than a few decades.
As a demonologist, I’ve no idea idea how I’d be useful in a situation like this.
We’ve got an extraction team, which might come in handy, once we find the hostages. If we find the hostages. Bloody students. Why did they get themselves in this sort of trouble? And why do the the powers that be think it’s a good idea for us to be sent in to get them out?
Oh. Right. Cults. That explains everything.
There was a dagger, it was used by a cult, and it was lost in the country before the diplomatic channels were cut off. We need to find it and recover it. We aren’t allowed to destroy it without getting clearance from Mahogany row.
The hostages are secondary priority, if that.
We’re being flown into hostile territory.
I attempt to install the Thaumometer into my Warding Laptop to create a better scanner system. I succeed, creating a short burst scanner that’ll allow me to check a single building in a burst. So, once we find where the knife is likely being kept, we’ll be able to narrow it down in a hurry.
The Military checkpoint is nicely intimidating, like any good military checkpoint into a west African dictatorship. I’m not carrying any obvious weapons. The other members of my team have weapons, but nothing that would be a threat against the mounted guns that the guards have trained on us.
The city that we are driving through looks like a shanty town, something out of the worst of the third world. But given that they’ve been cut off from the rest of the world for decades, that’s not surprising. What is surprising is that there are some fresh power lines that have been run out to a large facility. There are also cellular towers. Given that we know they’ve been working with the Chinese to improve their infrastructure, it isn’t surprising, but it is strange, the limited nature of the upgrades.
And now we’ve arrived at a colonial mansion that has been upgraded with the latest technology. Big Screen TVs and leather couches. The place is kitted out like a 5 star hotel.
We also get a better view of the power grid, confirming that it was running out to the Chinese compound. Which has a certain alien aspect to it.
The solider in the party manages to arrange for a tour of the facilities. I stay back in the rooms to do some hacking, while the rest of the team checks out the mansion.
Now we’re in a meeting with the headman, who has decided to telecommute to the board room. So we’re in a mansion, and he’s up in a palace some place in the hills.
We’ve got a possible lead with the cultural museum. It’s possible the knife ended up there. We’ve also got a criminal mastermind, so she can probably locate the underground, and through that find the rebels and perhaps negotiate with them.
The translator, rather than asking the guard where he could shoot his gun, he asked the guard where he could shoot at him. This appears to have caused some commotion. The stealth members of the team took advantage of this to escape out over the wall. Actually, judging by what the captain said, he offered to carpet bomb some villages.
And then the translator decided to cast a crazy powerful scrying spell, by hand. And despite the huge penalty, he managed to succeed. Though this might have melted his brain. It may have also melted my Thaumometer. But I didn’t notice, because I was in the hot tub, gambling for bullets with the guards. I apparently turned my two bullet stake into six bullets. So I returned the original pair of bullets to the solider on our team.
The diplomatic officer used the Sleep-App on the necronomiphone to contact our superiors. She received some serious information, the sort that required her to gain a new clearance level.
The stealth team managed to find out that the local church appears to be controlled by the cult of the bloody tongue. The stealth team cocked their pistol, and then the guys dragging the body to the altar dropped the body and turned their guns on the stealth team, and the cultists. The stealth team managed to dive into cover, the majority of the bullets went into the crowd of cultists, who didn’t stop chanting.
They managed to escape into the night.
The translator has woken up in the morning and decided to burn the paper he had used the night before to cast the spell. He failed to notice the smoke detector, so the guards decided to come in. The guards heard the alarm and tried to enter the room. He responded with “Don’t come in, I’m enjoying my fire time.” At this point, the guard broke down the door, finding him in the bathroom, with blood smeared on his face, and dark circles under his eyes, and a bathtub filled with burnt paper.
At this point, we have a briefing. We know that the knife is in the Chinese compound, where it may be guarded by otherworldly monsters.
We know that the cult leader can use the knife to become an avatar of the bloody tongued one, who is probably an elder god of some sort. There also appear to be Ents with iron teeth. Ah, right. it’s Nyarlathotep.
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The Tallest.
Well, I’m sitting here about to have some BBQ at Memphis Blues with our good friend The Tallest, aka Tall Alex.
Earlier today, I popped onto Facebook today to check in on things and saw he was actually online for a change. His plans had been buggered, so I offered to help him out with the move. We set up a plan and head out for a meetup near Stadium Skytrain. After I get on the bus, he calls me with an update. He’s getting a 1-ton for tomorrow, so the rush job with the Modo truck isn’t needed today. Instead, we can hang out and be social. I can’t remember the last time he and I hung out. It was probably back in October.
Anyways, he gives me the news that he’s heading out of town. Back to Ontario. The man who has crossed the country for love once has decided to do it again. Well, I wish him the best. For now, we’ve got BBQ and some (root) Beer.