MurderHobo.Club

Category: Real Life

  • Outings and such, part two.

    I got a message this morning from my mother. She’d been able to see the thread that I had previously mentioned.  She’s aware that I’m involved in the kink community, so this wasn’t a shock to her. Had the situation been different, that could have been rather stressful. For many people, what I’ve just described is a nightmare scenario, and is one of the reasons people have cited that they aren’t willing to stand up for their beliefs in the community. I had been aware of the possibility, since horror stories of outing as a weapon have existed as long as I’ve been a member of the community.

    Based on his writings, he doesn’t feel he has outed me, since I was already out. Well, I have always thought that an individual should get some discretion over how out they are, and if you aren’t sure, you should probably ask them. That generally works better when you have respect for the person that you are arguing with. I don’t know that this applies here.

    I had just two days ago said I was no longer going to be sanitizing these posts for any given audience, but I’ve already had demands that I change details of what I’ve written. And)
    I’m finding myself choosing my words carefully, since it seems like whatever is said will be taken in a manner other than the manner in which it is written.

    I suspect that I’m not aware of the emotional flavour that I layer into my writing. I was unaware that my distrust of this individual would be so clear as to taint what I felt was a neutral statement of “at one point, I actively recommend (this event), back when I attended, these were the reasons I recommended it back then. I no longer attend for personal reasons, so I can no longer recommend it, as I lack the required information.”

    Apparently, if you have a perceived past bias, people assume you mean more with your words when you say, even when you don’t even care enough anymore to hold an opinion.

    I was already burnt out and planning to leave the community. I had promised I’d help with one last party. Now, I’m not even sure I’ll bother with that. I’ve been told people want me to attend, but given the vitriol about me, I’m feeling unwelcome.

    I’ve been battling feelings of alienation for a long time now, and I think I’ve reached the end of my ability to cope with that.

    I suspect if helping my grandmother to maintain her independence wasn’t an absolute priority, I’d likely be a suicide risk.

  • Outing and Such.

    Well, originally today’s post was possibly going to be my grumbling about the difference between short term skills and long term skills, with regards to relationships, and to BDSM in particular, and how mistaking short term skills for long term can lead to a fair bit of trouble. Or possibly about the whole community charity moving thing that I’ve been working on, since apparently I haven’t done enough to promote it.

    Instead, it’s going to be about paranoia and vendettas, and outing people. I wrote something on Fetlife about how I no longer recommend Sin City to people. At one point in time, it was in my newbie guide, as a good starter event. Since I no longer attend the event, I no longer recommend it. I’ve no knowledge of how the event is run these days, or the competence of the current staff, just that the people I’d have trusted to handle things are no longer involved.

    This was taken as an attack by the event host, who proceeded to post on his page about my attacking his event. This wouldn’t be too bad, except he decided to use my actual name. I’ve a personal policy that I try to keep my Fetlife and my Facebook somewhat separate. I don’t post anything kinky with the world privacy setting, only the friend’s only setting. This is because I have a belief that one good way for Facebook to make money would be to charge companies for Social Media checks. And if not Facebook themselves, there are plenty of other individuals who could provide that service. So, I’d prefer to keep these things separate.

    Isaac ignored that. I don’t think he understood why what he did was a problem, which is part of why I have said I don’t feel he is part of the kink community, just someone who profits from it.

    I attempted to defend myself in post, but he has decided to block me. Personally I find blocking people to be a cheap trick. I prefer to have the conversation. If my opinion isn’t strong enough to stand up against opposition, I should reconsider it and the thought process that led to it. I understand some people don’t agree with that, and prefer to limit the dissenting voices that they are exposed to. I understand it, I just don’t really respect it, unless it’s for medical reasons.

    Currently his cult is making personal attacks against me, which I suppose allows him to keep his hands clean.

  • Code blue?

    I plan to write more often, I’m aiming to write daily, and I will be ranting more. Likely I will offend some people. Consider this your disclaimer.

    When I first created this site, I wanted a place where I could speak my mind freely without it impacting on the TOU of a few sites or on friends, Reive in particular; Erotic Vancouver where I’d been writing before was his brand, and I worried about tarnishing it.

    I let the fact that this was posting to Facebook taint the purpose, since I let myself worry about the audience again.

    Well, in 2016, the gloves are coming off. I’ll probably need to change the way snippets from here are posted to facebook.

    Thus it begins.

  • Empathy Training tools.

    My copy of …and then, we held hands. has arrived.
    It’s a strange board game, and the writings about it have mentioned this. It can be played in silence, with both players showing what they have, attempting to work together to reach a common goal, for if one of you can’t use their cards to move, you both lose.
    I think Reive and Moondancer would be interested in it.

  • Earthquake bandwagon

    So, last night, at around twenty to midnight, there was a brief thump or rumble, as a M4.9 earthquake happened about 23Kms north of Victoria, about 45Kms underground. Relevance of the details? Well, the fact that it was deep underground means it probably wasn’t a prelude to the big one that people have been predicting.
    The reactions have been mixed. Some people are posting photos of minimal damage and saying we will rebuild, making light of the possible impact. For some, that’s the easiest way to cope with this fear that we’ve been all generally been ignoring.
    Others are looking at what they can do to prep for something. Most of those people will forget about it in a few days, though some will be more long term about it, especially those who had the power outages recently. Will this mean a decent percentage of the population is prepared? Probably not.
    What should I be doing? Well, I should make sure I’ve got a better first aid kit, and probably more supplies in the basement and the garage.

  • 2016 approaches.

    Starting the year off with the end of Noir. Probably my last kink event for the foreseeable future.

    While I enjoy spending time with some of the people in the community and have the wisdom to might come in handy for some people, I seem to be lacking in some aspects that seem to be required.

    Aspects of bdsm are still something that I think will probably need in my relationships in the long term, but I suspect it’ll be something of a slower developmental nature. Though currently my thought is that at some point I became a type of person who doesn’t interest others, perhaps in part because they subconsciously they feel rejected by how insular I’ve become.

    In the meantime, I can be found on steam, and local gaming events.

  • Post defense parity.

    Well, I just did a training scenario where I had a man in high gear with a rubber knife stab me multiple times, with my objective being to kill him before I passed out from blood loss. Apparently I did pretty good at it. Had I been smarter, I’d have removed my glasses first, but losing them mid fight didn’t slow me down. Apparently I got in a few more kill shots than I realised, though I was clear when the scenario had ended. I think I was done slightly before “redredred” was called.

    My knees are not happy with me, neither is my toe. I don’t think my adrenaline response was as bad as some of the others, a couple of them were shaking pretty hard.

    After I’ve had a bit of time to recover, I should write up a piece on the class. It was definitely a solid 6 hours, and I’d recommend it to anyone.

  • Adjusting to Days.

    So, with everything that’s happened at work, I’ll be working day shift for the next while, which actually works really well for me, in theory. It is very different, since I’ve been working the evening shift for at least 9 months now. I’ve gotten used to not having a social life, not being able to attend the weekday game nights, missing the weeknight dinners, etc.

    It’ll mean getting up around 7 am, which means I’ll have time to have breakfast with Gram. Getting off at 6 pm instead of 9 pm, means I’ll be able to have dinner with her more often.

    In the mornings and in the evenings, I’ll be taking the bus during rush hour, which I’m not really a fan of. So far, it hasn’t been too bad, and I’ll probably be fine, since I’m before Brentwood, which is where most of the BCIT students get on, so I should be able to get a seat. I do have the option of just going to the turn around spot, getting the 130 there, where I know I’ll get a seat, and I might do that.

    Mondays, which are the Ink Club thing, which AredBaroness wants me to attend to improve my writing.
    Tuesday, I’ve got the Netrunner thing at Lion’s Pub, downtown. I’d like to get back into playing that.
    Wednesdays, I can’t recall any specific event, possibly Netrunner at Magic Stronghold.
    Thursday, I know there’s a munch some weeks, and there has been one Doomtown event that I’d like to attend.
    Fridays, various things happen. I’ll probably find something to do.
    Saturday, not much should change, though it might be a bit easier to get up. There’s at least one possible game that’ll be taking place on the Saturdays.

    Sunday nights, I won’t be staying up late, but I haven’t been doing that for ages anyways. In the afternoons on Sunday, I will probably try to play some board games.

    This week, on Sunday I’ve booked the Waves from 1 pm – 5 pm for Dark Moon.

    Overall, I think this means I can have a social life again, though I have to be careful about getting enough sleep, since I’ll be needing to be in bed by 10-10:30, to be able to get enough sleep to get up for 7 am. Which means in most cases, I’ll be leaving wherever I am by about 9:30, if not earlier.

    I’m sure there are other things I should add to this list, but that’s what I’ve got for now.

  • Weekend update.

    So, I’m sitting here, on my “long” weekend, doing nothing much, waiting for the clocks to align so I can proceed. I’m going to be heading down to OV soon to pick up the Van, taking it to the lock up, loading it up with furniture, and then driving that down into a back alley, where people in tattered clothing will drag it down underneath a building and arrange it into a configuration. Afterwards, I’ll return the van where I got it, head home, relax for a bit, then eventually make my way down to said building, be social for a bit, then climb into a tiny car to cross a bridge to fetch the large van again, to repeat said process in reverse. Then I’ll potentially go be social some more, or more likely, go home and rest.

    After that, I’ll in theory gather people to play some board games, but more likely nobody will show up. So, I’ll probably manage to play some of the new Mad Max game, which should be entertaining. Or maybe I’ll play something else, or do some more writing.

    I’m a bit frustrated right now, over various things. One of those things is the Vancouver Zombiewalk. Yesterday, I once again went into work to avoid attending the event. It was a good thing I did, because a few of the things that came up where things that the weekend staff should probably be able to handle, but haven’t been trained for. Well, I wasn’t really trained for them either, but I managed to figure them out at some point, so I can handle them.

    Apparently Zombiewalk went well for the most part; with a few complaints. I could rant about why the whole frustrates me, but then I’d be ranting about contributions and the difference between community focus and ego stroking. The whole thing would just be kinda asinine of me.

    I’m a bit frustrated about my dating life, or lack of thereof. I attempt to communicate with people, but it seems like I’m on the wrong page with most people.

  • Removal of toxins.

    Orphaned by choice. Today, I’ve added the majority of my family to the block list on my phone. If they want to contact me, they can reach me through email.

    The obvious exception is Gram.

    I’ve done this because my interactions with my family have been a negative experience for me for nearly as long as I can remember. There have been benefits, mostly financial, but there have also been detriments mostly to my emotional state and mental health.

    They’re in the final stages of moving to Squamish, swapping their living arrangements around. Prior to this, my sister was living as a tenant in my parent’s house, and maintaining it for them while they snowbirded. Now, the house will be hers, and they will be her tenants, when they’re back in Canada.

    This arrangement creates a nice buffer. Gram is local, every one else is at least one bridge away.

    You may recall I had been looking into heading to Toronto for a while. I had some concerns about not being local for Gram, and this has magnified those concerns.

    There is plenty more of this on my mind, but it’ll take me a while to express it.

    I feel like if I vent, it’ll be seen as whining & whinging. That by expressing my emotions, I’m somehow being immature about things, despite the fact that the ability to process emotions constructively is sign of maturity.

    My parents tend to tell me to grow up, but they have a very odd definition of what being grown up means, I think.

    I don’t really understand their values, when I reflect on them. At some point in my development, I rebelled, probably for the usual reasons, and that somehow changed things. Somehow, the post rebellion reconciliation never really solidified. There were attempts at it over the years, which were partially successful, but it was never sustained long enough to develop a permanence. It would get disrupted and pulled apart. Like a shattered bone, never being given enough time to fuse properly, or an object d’art being impatiently restored, with not enough time for the adhesive to harden.

    The biggest reason for this is perspective and values. They are so far apart that communication is difficult. What is seen by one side as a minor imposition is a herculean task by the other side, at times. In other instances, both sides will see something as a favour to the other, and then be annoyed at the lack of gratitude.

    This lack of common framework, is the source of many of the communication issues.