• Yet More Netrunner.

    There’s a tournament at Starlit on Saturday. Dimestore and I signed up for it. However, he’s got a couple’s day with his wife instead, so I’ll be going in solo. This tournament has a special prize for flatlines, so I’m working on a killer deck for a change. I’m a bit stumped on ice balance currently. I’ll probably work and rework it for a few hours tonight.

    After the tournament, there’s two options depending on the timing. Make an effort to go check out the local vampire LARP or relax for a bit. I’ve got a birthday party later that night, so that’s where I’ll eventually be, unless I start feeling antisocial again. Though I’ll probably show up as I bought the host a present and so I should go at least to deliver that. I think in theory it’s something he’ll enjoy, but perhaps I’m wrong.

    Monday I helped friends move. Showed up with a cargo van, we loaded it to the gills, drove over, unloaded it. Rinse and Repeat. No major hassles, no injuries. A couple squished fingers but no blood for a change.

    Afterwards, the timing worked out for me to hit up the local ingress cross faction meetup, something I haven’t done for ages. I probably haven’t done it since I got this job, if not perhaps a bit longer. Given that I tend to only have a weekday night free a week and I’ve had a backlog of social obligations to work through. But, I was parking the moving van nearby that night, and the food there is decent, so I dropped in to be social. A few people were glad to see me, a few people didn’t know me, and a few people were weird. But that’s no surprise. I learned a few things, and I had a few beer. Interesting flavors. That is the one benefit of eating there, you can usually find a tasty brew to go with your meal.

    Things got a bit uncomfortable for me when a former friend showed up. I thought about leaving, but I’d already made plans with Dimestore for him to swing through on his way home to grab a datapack from me, so I decided to stick around. For the most part, it was clear we weren’t at the same table. When Dimestore showed up, I pointed out that he was there, they said hello and had a nice conversation. Mildly interesting, since this friend had cut ties with Dimestore and I at the same time, since my stubbornness was obviously contagious. Anyways, it was uncomfortable for me, and I almost regretted that I’d made an effort to extend an olive branch the week prior, even though it was the right thing to do. I was relieved that despite my efforts and the obvious advantages of the situation for him, he’d decided not to bother with it.

    Then Tuesday, I saw that someone had started making an attempt to make the geek community a better place in Vancouver. And I thought that would be great. Until I saw that they’d tainted the well already. I’m sure they had the best of intentions, but inviting the rather defensive girlfriend of a man who abuses the word community for his own profit into the group meant to repair the community… I just can’t see that turning out in a positive manner. Given his actions regarding Zombiewalk and various other things, I’m uncomfortable dealing with him. I’ve burnt out on it. I talked to the guy who’d done the inviting for the group and the guy who’d started the group, let them know that for health reasons, I’m not interested in being involved. My experiences with that individual have been so toxic that probability of his involvement was enough to make me not want to be involved, to avoid that ugliness in my life.

    I’m torn between ranting about him further or just trying to put the whole thing out of my mind. On one hand, if I rant, it has the potential for people to understand where I’m coming from, balanced against the potential for him to use my writing against my friends who still deal with him. On the whole, it’s probably healthier to just put it out of my head. Except this is my place, so I should be able to write what I want here. Eh, I’ll just leave it for now.

    Afterwards, I was looking into some of the symptoms of PTSD, as someone in my extended social network had been interested in the job opening here, but had mentioned he had some doubts about taking the job while he was still sorting out his PTSD and his treatment. I noticed that the symptoms for PTSD match up with what I’ve been experiencing. It’s something I need to examine and it’s resulted in me doing some reflecting.

    As far as I can recall, there aren’t really any specific events that would qualify as traumatic in my life. My childhood was pretty alienated and I have some issues with betrayal and belief, but there are specific major incidents, just a variety of times when things were rough.

    I posted on my facebook that I was beginning to consider the idea that I was dealing with something that had similar symptoms to a mild form of PTSD, and that it was related to my dealings with the Zombiewalk and goth drama. I was vaguebooking, something I hate to do, but after the lecture I received last Saturday for going into too much detail, it seemed reasonable. In response, I got told off for comparing my bullshit to being in a war or being raped. Obviously my traumas weren’t severe enough for me to qualify for even a mild form of something similar to PTSD. My response was hostility and I opened a chat with the person, explaining to them that they really didn’t understand the whole story, and I was trying to work through something, not trying to whine. Apparently the hostility came across pretty strongly, as they got rather upset and wanted to end the conversation, since they felt I was bullying them.

    Yes, I was bullying them for responding to a negative comment on my facebook page. Well, I guess that’s how the internet works.

    Maybe it’s a case of my words being chosen poorly, or coming across hyperbolic. Maybe the symptoms only fit because of a psychological version of hypochondria. I do know that I have some things that are pretty nasty triggers for me, and that I need to sort them out. Not dealing with them is probably partially responsible for my current state of isolation.

    I read something interesting about the Sexodus and male responses to feminism tonight, and I’d intended to comment on it, but I’m already over my 1K words and it’s nearly time to catch my bus so that’ll have to wait for another entry.

  • icandy

    This is just a stream of thoughts and impressions that I’ll use to write up a review later for Erotic Vancouver.

    Markus had advertised the event as being more pub like than club like, but I think I misunderstood what he meant by that. Its got similar lighting as the last time I was here. I was expecting a little brighter and a bit more mellow. Attempting to play board games here will be tricky. Certain games might work, but the random ones I brought with me probably require a brighter and quieter space to work. King of Tokyo, I could see working.

    Some people sat down and picked up my copy of cards against humanity, that I had sitting at the table in front of me, without asking. I could care, but as that copy has been through hell, I’m not overly concerned. I’m wondering how long it’ll be before they think to ask, or they touch something else on the pile.

    The pile currently consists of One Night Ultimate Werewolf, Arctic Scavengers and my neon wand. Funny that they picked the item I care least about.

    A friend came up and started chatting. I mentioned the games, and the people didn’t seem to realise they were being rude. And now others have come over and asked about it and the male of the pair is explaining the game as if it was his own copy. I find this a mix of amusement and irritation. I’m pondering why someone would feel that touching another person’s toys is acceptable, even if the toys are board games. In the geek world, the general awareness of the value of a collection acts as a deterrent to most people touching without permission. It is possible that the lack of awareness of the value is a factor. It is likely that they have assumed that the games were provided by the venue. Not a terrible idea, but a bit of an assumption. It fits with the behaviour that was commented on previously with regards to patrons and the magic wands.

    Offhand, I can’t think of how our hosts might deal with this assumption. I think such assumptions should be rare in a place focused on consent culture, as the default permission should be assumed to be the negative.

    They haven’t managed to start a game of CaH, or clean up the game that they started. They’ve gotten engaged in some conversation with the couple that had approached them and used the game as an ice breaker. Its mildly amusing that it served that purpose. And mildly annoying that it was used in such a way without being respected.

    Then again, I’m at a fetish event and I’m wearing jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t exactly fit in. Perhaps its made me invisible.

    Except of course to those who know me, most of whom seem to be wearing volunteer badges tonight, at least so far.

    The music works, its nice mellow jazz, but its a bit drowned out by all the people. I suspect its just the acoustics of the place. I wonder if some baffles would help create the impression of greater intimacy by shaping the conversations into tighter spaces.

    I was expecting to be able to find some electrical sockets where I had found them last time, but unfortunately they don’t seem to be accessible this time. Removes option of the neon wand in the lounge area, something that was great fun at the Mad Hatter party.

    —

    Markus and VanJoe managed to find me an electrical cord, so now I have the neon wand going.

    —

    Spent about an hour demonstrating electricity via direct and indirect methods. People would randomly come up to me and ask to give it a try. It was nice to educate people.

    Overall, the neon wand was a hit again.

    At some point, they killed the music and brought out a comedian. The acoustics worked against him, and the crosschatter drowned out most of his act, if you weren’t over by where he was standing.

    In theory, linking his mic to some of the other speakers could fix this problem, but I’m not sure that would help, as part of a comedian’s performance is visual. Alternatively, shaping the acoustics to isolate the areas better could create more of a feeling of different spaces.

    At this point, I’d probably attend this event again, through I’m not sure I quite understand what the intended demographic is. The mix of kinksters, swingers, and explorers creates an interesting environment, but I feel it lacks something in terms of community consciousness, coherence and shared expectations. However, I’m sure things could be done to foster that.

    Interesting. Someone stepped over me to talk to people, kicking my knee in the process. He apologised, but it was an afterthought. It seems to be an intoxication issue.

    Am I so mellow that people lack concern for offending me? Or is the vibe such a peaceful one that the sort of hostility that such inconsiderate behaviour would evoke is inconceivable? Nah. Drunken fools are as they always are.

    —

    Nice to have a conversation about serious matters to remind me that I’m old and bitter and take matters far too seriously.

    And then ten minutes later, run into another friend and have a random happy conversation that reminds me that the community contains plenty of people who have a passion who are looking for ways to express it. Be it Spaz and his music, or Nathan and his paintings. Or Mikhail and the things he does in the dark dark places.

    And interesting mixture of individuals and their motives. Steps taken to foster understanding between the different cliques seem like the obvious direction. Given that Markus is already running a 420 munch, I think he has the right skill set for that challenge.

  • Time slides sideways.

    I’m in this coffee shop on the corner, a block away from the party I’m supposed to be at. I changed my shirt after work, but didn’t bother with anything else. I packed some gears, but gave no real thought to my appearance. In theory, one reason to attend this event is to be social. To meet people. To flirt. Yet I’m totally unprepared for that. Instead I’m sitting here having a dark chocolate mocha so I’ll stay awake. I’m sure there’s something I’ll learn from this on later reflection, but right now I’m just staring my own foolishness in the face.

    But hey, at least I got out of the house. Though a wise man would have probably just stayed in front of the fire rather than driving icy roads.

    —

    Well, I just got a rather subtle reminder to trust my gut. My first instinct when I parked was to grab the exceeding conspicuous bag from the bag and take it to the coffee shop with me. But instead I back to the car, tried to find a closer parking spot, and ended up circling the block for no good reason. And parking in that exact same spot. Ah well, at least Modo counts as a universal resident permit.

  • Insomniac

    As often happens in November, my body has become an production facility for disgusting slime. The process is resulting in a combination of lethargy and disassociation; a feeling of weary calm.

    For many years I was a mouth breather, as my twice deviated septum and enlarged adenoids limited my nasal oxygen flow to less than 10% of my airflow. Eventually, I got over my paranoia over hospitals and had something done about it. As a result, I’m  actively conscious of my breathing, in terms of quality of airflow.

    Of course the thing that got me over the paranoia about hospitals was the stabbing pain in my lower back that happened one Sunday night when my gallbladder developed a bit of an issue. That attack was immediate and severe enough that I didn’t have the time to be paranoid about being knocked unconscious and sliced open.

    My point? A painful and unexpected attack was the thing that allowed me to get over my inertia and paranoia. It allowed me to get to the point where I was able to make the change that needed to be made to make things better.

    I’ve always claimed that there is no knowledge that is gained without a price being paid in pain, be it physical or emotional or spiritual or however you perceive it.

    The take away from this? Perhaps it was a metaphor or an allusion. Of course it is also just my life experience.

    Oh, right, and I’ve been having trouble falling asleep until after 4am, possibly because my sleep schedule got disrupted by the 3 days I spent mostly unconscious trying to recover from the nastiness in my respiratory system.

    That was why I picked the title after all.

  • Assemblage

    Neither the hero nor the monster, but both could fit, if the bits weren’t too broken to make sense of it. Didn’t work as it was, attempted modification, without much skill. Disassembled, reassembled, jumbled and bumbled. Best they get is barely better than a wreck. Not enough of any individual design to be recognised. Adapted and survived but not thrived.

  • The Vancouver Kink Community.

    I’ve been involved in the Vancouver kink community for my adult life, though you’d be hard pressed to find someone who’d actually seen me do anything particularly kinky at any of the events. With the exception of running electrical play demos at Noir, most of whatever kinks I might practice have been behind closed doors.

    I have issues feeling like I don’t fit in, like I don’t belong, and my way of dealing with those feelings was to pitch it. I’d carry gear, I’d show up for set up or tear down, I’d drive people home, I’d help enforce the rules, etc. It was how I contributed and how I got over feeling like I didn’t belong. I’ve volunteered at various events, including MVK, Taboo, Sin City, and Noir.

    I enjoyed the munches I’d attended, and so when Kink UBC stopped having their TNG/Under 35 munches, I started my own. I checked out a couple of restaurants, talked to the managers, found a time when they’d be happy to let us take up the tables for a few hours in exchange for extra business on a quiet night. I invited a few friends out and we made it a thing we did. It worked, and we kept it up for several years until I finally felt like I was too damn old to relate to the younger newbies and that someone else would do a better job. I’d been trying to get someone to take it over for a while at that point, but it just hadn’t worked out.

    The reason I’m rambling on about this is that over the last decade, I’ve gotten involved in the back channels of the local kink scene. I’ve seen the work that goes into the various events, I’ve seen the cooperation and the fighting. For the most part, things have gotten better over the years. It’s also allowed me to see some of the uglier aspects of the community and hear some of the worse horror stories.

    This knowledge, combined with the cynical sense of humor in the goth community is part of the reason I ended up with the nickname Gravedigger, since I was the guy who knew where all the bodies were buried.

    I’m going to open up about a few of those, not in any specific detail, but in a general terms. Maybe specific enough that some people will be able to piece things together, but if they can manage that, they probably already knew enough of the details anyways.

    I’m not doing this to air dirty laundry, or to paint targets on anyone; but so I can discuss some of the common circumstances, how they were handled, what might have been improved, and other thoughts that come up while writing them up.

    One of the big difficulties when dealing with sexual assault, be it inside the kink community or in society in general, is that it gets hidden. The truth gets buried, for various reasons, including fear, shame, guilt, and denial.

    Well, I know where some truth was buried, seems like it is time to dig it up.

  • Upcoming Netrunner

    December brings two Netrunner Tournaments. One at Starlit Citadel and the other over at Connections. In theory, this means I should work on my decks and get some practice in so I’ve got a decent shot. In practice, unless I manage to get some time on octgn, I doubt I’ll get any games in.

    Still, I’m looking forward to them. I enjoy the game, even if I’m not great at springing traps to kill the runners. Or evading traps meant to kill me.

    I have a tendency to not apply enough pressure, something I should work on improving.

    Still, it’s always nice to hang out with Dimestore, even if his evil engineer brain makes things more complicated.

  • My audience.

    When I originally started this, I had an idea of who might read it, but no solid plans for how to reach any of them. I figured I’d focus on what I had to say first and worry about who I wanted to read it afterwards.

    However, as the internet is a strange mixture of ephemeral and everlasting, of fluid and static, and of random interconnections, I have to consider who else will read it and what impact that might have on my life.

    I know at least one of my coworkers knows of this place, as he helped me setting it up. Other coworkers know that I own the domain, but I don’t know that they’d go out of their way to read it. They might, they are a surprisingly great group. The other day for my birthday, they got me a cake and a card. As I’ve only been working there a short time, I was surprised that they’d go to the trouble. And I was touched that they had. I’d been a bit grumpy with a couple of them a few days before because of various customer related issues. It helped remind me of the importance of being part of a team, something that was lacking at my last few jobs.

    I posted to my Facebook that I was working on my blog and a few friends asked for the link. And then my mother asked for the link, I warned her that there will likely be things on here that she doesn’t need to know, but she decided she wanted it anyways. So far, I haven’t shared it with my grandmother, but I don’t doubt she’ll find it before long, she’s a sharp cookie.

    So, aside from friends and family, current coworkers and various others I currently know, there will also be people I don’t yet know. People who only learn about me through the words I’ve written here. In most cases, I suspect the words I write will create a much better first impression than bumping into me on the street or in a bar.

    Then again, I have to ask myself if it matters what impression I make. What matters most is that my words are taken seriously, not that people like the person writing them.

  • Origin of the Phrase

    The most common questions that people ask when they see this site is Murder Hobo Club? Really? What the Hell? Are you advocating getting together to murder the homeless? Or are you homeless murders who share tips? Are you insane? What the hell are you thinking?

    Well, the phrase murder hobo is something that has some resonance for me. For reasons I can’t understand, it’s something that has come to mind randomly over the last few years. I think I originally heard it on the Order of the Stick forums, or the Pathfinder forums. It referred to a style of gaming that I think has become all too common. The characters, the heroes of the narrative, rather than having a noble goal, end up wandering around, with no ties to a society, randomly murdering monsters, some of which have been proven to be intelligent. And for the most part, rather than questioning the implications of such actions, gaming culture has glorified them.

    I recall one public roleplaying game that I was playing in, during which the majority of the damage done to the party was the result of my chemist character throwing around magical molotov cocktails. He was being effective, the enemies rarely had a chance to harm any of the party members. From one point of view, this was a well built character. He efficiently removed the opposition to the party.

    From another point of view, he was something of a monster. Even if he was doing the right thing, for the right reasons, he going about it the wrong way. He had completely disregarded the advice of Nietzsche. He had quite clearly become a monster, while fighting monsters.

    At that point, he and the party of adventurers, they weren’t heroes, they were wandering murder hobos. Around then, I realized that something just wasn’t quite right and I took a break from playing that character.

    Later, I was running a public game and I realized that I hadn’t been alone in my descent from hero to monster, it was something more common to the gamer experience. While most systems have rules that make it less likely that you’ll do splash damage to innocent civilians, many systems have impressive destructive powers that would have at the very least a psychological impact on the civilians who observe your actions. Rather than praising these “adventurers”, writing songs about them, looking up to them, and all the things that these grateful villagers supposedly do, it seems more likely that they’d either be hiding from the party, or getting out the pitchforks and trying to chase them out of town.

    The shift towards anti-heroes in fantasy media and geek culture isn’t something new, but I think in many cases the consequences of this shift are neglected or ignored.

    When I’m playing Shadowrun, I know I’m taking on the role of someone who lives outside the system, as the game is about being a deniable asset. While it is possible to create a party who are all on the right side of the law, this is not the expectation or the norm. It’s understood that you’ll be breaking the law, and getting well paid for it. It is a game that focuses on the many shades of grey.

    Fantasy Roleplaying games, and by that I mean games in the style of Dungeons & Dragons or Pathfinder, tend to assume that the party are heroes. The core assumption is that you are the good guys, trying to save the world from the forces of darkness.

    Both D&D and Pf have the 2 Axis of Alignment, Order vs Chaos and Good vs Evil. There are plenty of memes and postings out there talking about how alignments gets abused, and for the most part, it gets treated like a joke. After all, these are games, we are playing them for fun; we’re rolling dice to enjoy a story with friends, to relax. To get a chance to escape from the stress and mundane aspects of our ordinary lives. So, why take them seriously?

     Well, at some point, we realized that the idea of role playing had some merit as a tool in psychotherapy. We realized that being able to play out various scenarios helped us to engage with ideas on a less cerebral way than merely thinking about them. So, if role playing is valid as a psychological tool, then shouldn’t we consider the psychological aspects of our roleplaying?

  • Before Noir

    Tonight, Noir happens. Friends of mine will be there. I could go and join them. In previous years, I’d have planned to celebrate the fact that I’ve survived yet another trip around the sun. I’m going to be a designated driver tonight, so that won’t be an option. Even without that it’s been a while since I’ve had more than a drink with a meal.

    Alcohol as a social lubricant bothers me these days. The idea of buying someone a drink seems distasteful, but not in a way I can explain clearly. Perhaps it is the fact that the effects of alcohol tends to lead to stupidity and I prefer intelligence.

    I’ll probably have an alright time if I go, so I might as well go. I just have this feeling a few years ago I’d have been more enthusiastic and that I’ve lost something along the way.