I’ve been involved in the Vancouver kink community for my adult life, though you’d be hard pressed to find someone who’d actually seen me do anything particularly kinky at any of the events. With the exception of running electrical play demos at Noir, most of whatever kinks I might practice have been behind closed doors.
I have issues feeling like I don’t fit in, like I don’t belong, and my way of dealing with those feelings was to pitch it. I’d carry gear, I’d show up for set up or tear down, I’d drive people home, I’d help enforce the rules, etc. It was how I contributed and how I got over feeling like I didn’t belong. I’ve volunteered at various events, including MVK, Taboo, Sin City, and Noir.
I enjoyed the munches I’d attended, and so when Kink UBC stopped having their TNG/Under 35 munches, I started my own. I checked out a couple of restaurants, talked to the managers, found a time when they’d be happy to let us take up the tables for a few hours in exchange for extra business on a quiet night. I invited a few friends out and we made it a thing we did. It worked, and we kept it up for several years until I finally felt like I was too damn old to relate to the younger newbies and that someone else would do a better job. I’d been trying to get someone to take it over for a while at that point, but it just hadn’t worked out.
The reason I’m rambling on about this is that over the last decade, I’ve gotten involved in the back channels of the local kink scene. I’ve seen the work that goes into the various events, I’ve seen the cooperation and the fighting. For the most part, things have gotten better over the years. It’s also allowed me to see some of the uglier aspects of the community and hear some of the worse horror stories.
This knowledge, combined with the cynical sense of humor in the goth community is part of the reason I ended up with the nickname Gravedigger, since I was the guy who knew where all the bodies were buried.
I’m going to open up about a few of those, not in any specific detail, but in a general terms. Maybe specific enough that some people will be able to piece things together, but if they can manage that, they probably already knew enough of the details anyways.
I’m not doing this to air dirty laundry, or to paint targets on anyone; but so I can discuss some of the common circumstances, how they were handled, what might have been improved, and other thoughts that come up while writing them up.
One of the big difficulties when dealing with sexual assault, be it inside the kink community or in society in general, is that it gets hidden. The truth gets buried, for various reasons, including fear, shame, guilt, and denial.
Well, I know where some truth was buried, seems like it is time to dig it up.