Traumas

I have community related trauma, from dealing with the problems in Vancouver. I was the person who developed a reputation as a problem solver, which morphed into a joke about knowing where all the bodies were buried, which turned into people coming to me with the problems. And sometimes I could help, sometimes I couldn’t. But the expectations, whether externally or internally, lead to a flavour of paranoia regarding red flags. It’s a flavour of PTSD trauma, a type of hypervigilance that leads to one being unable to not see things and being uncomfortable with what they are seeing. Minor red flags expand outwards into potential harms.

Attempting to explain these things can alienate people, either by upsetting them, or by developing paranoia in their apparent inability to see the risks that they are creating. That’s been part of what’s alienating me, people doing things that are good enough, and ignoring the potential risks, since for the most part, those risks don’t seem realistic to them, while I’ve already seen some of the worst case scenarios.

I’ve seen folks outed through the courts for speaking up about their abusers. I’ve seen folks use threats of outing to silence their critics. I’ve seen folks use community pressures to isolate and discredit folks who would expose them for harmful behaviour. I’ve seen some horrible things, and it’s hard when I see things that have potential to be harmful being ignored, even though I objectively understand that they are doing the best they can with the resources and spoons they have available. Though at the same time, there is doubt there, since I’ve seen such excuses be merely a form of weaponized incompetence.

I’ve got trauma from when a question I’ve asked has been turned into claims against my character, when I was trying to understand others better. I appreciate that it may have triggered some trauma for them, but that doesn’t justify their reaction, or do much to mitigate the harms that they cause.

I’ve trauma from seeing things that I’ve built be repurposed to serve someone’s ego, more than a few times. Turning something intended for communication and support into a cult of personality.

Others have trauma from their upbringing here, in a judgemental culture, and they’ve taken that out on me. I don’t have the spoons to handle that, which is why I stepped away.

I don’t feel like there is a place for me, and that weighs on me.

Years ago, I swam to shore with a small anchor tied around my waist, so we could get a good measurement. One can swim with an anchor, as long as we get to put it down before it pulls us under.